I have been without a drink or mood altering drug for 6 months and 2 days. An addict/alcoholic would understand that as 184 daily miracles.
I am very thankful to be alive after nearly ending it all this past February. You see, I could never understand suicide when I was younger and never really questioned what I was not able to conceive. I did not even want to ask, “why?” I did not want to even ponder why someone would be so “stupid” to take their own life.
I was so ignorant when it came to suicide and overdoses. Fast forward to the last couple years I can fully understand what pain feels like. I understand how amplified pain can become especially when self treated via mind altering chemical concoctions usually involving alcohol and pills (my drugs of choice). It’s not that I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to go away.
Consciously I never would take my own life but through the progression of my disease that’s what nearly became reality at 32 years old… almost game over with no continues.
Nothing was bad enough for me to become willing to give up the bottle and the pills. In fact, in order to live I had to drink. In the late stages of alcoholism the tremors became so bad I needed alcohol to course through my blood stream so those same tremors would cease.
I had been in a coma for years and only through near death was I able to experience the next life. Through sobriety I am experiencing things for the very first time. I am learning to crawl before I can walk. I am learning what these things called “people” are. I am flooded by all these feelings that I tried to drown out by way of a liquor bottle before.
I am getting the necessary help I need to learn how to live my life purposefully and not just merely exist. Maybe the reason I was spared of an early death was to be able to share my strength and hope with others.
I could not get sober for my family. I could not get sober for my fiance at the time. I could not get sober for my son. I had to get sober for me and be willing. Without the willingness I would never have been able to get to where I am now. I could not admit that I had a problem.
I use my son as motivation to stay sober today but I know it’s ultimately up to me to stay sober. Through sobriety I have a chance to have a future relationship with my little boy. Without sobriety I have no chance at all.
I have learned not to project into the future and also let my past go. I think about today, I just have today. As an addict/alcoholic my priority is staying sober 24 hours at a time. I do whatever it takes to add another coin to my son’s ceramic piggy bank I made while I was in rehab.
I have a disease of the mind, the frontal lobe wants what it wants, when it wants it. The mid-brain, the rational part of the brain does not work like in normal people.
I am happy that now with the willingness to recover I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Emotional sobriety has been the most difficult one for me but at 6 months sober I feel like the peaks and valleys have evened out into a level playing field for the most part.
At 6 months sober, I’m living moment to moment. I have a healthy fear of alcohol and prescription medication. I respect the power that alcohol has over me if I decided to act on an urge today. Thankfully I have the willingness to stay sober along with a great support system that I call family (blood related or not).
Relapse is not a requirement and hopefully nobody has to go through the pain of what I have had to endure. It does get better in recovery, I know that is hard to believe but I am proof that it does get better if you keep waking up sober and doing whatever it takes.
They’re are a lot of programs and methods of treatment out there and I am not going to try and endorse any. My purpose is to merely offer my experience as a testament of what is possible if you want it.
I will continue take it one day at a time. I will continue to make sobriety priority one for the rest of my life.
I will end this blog entry with a fellow addict who has been clean for some years now. A local hometown musician, you may have heard of him…
Eminem – Not Afraid (Explicit)