Going Back to That Place: Again

Walking That Ledge

Walking That Ledge

Let me walk that ledge between sane and insane.  Let me remix this sequel to –

Going Back to That Place

Now that you have read that, let me make that head spin.

Spiral

Spiral

I am in and out of emotional sobriety to play the most important, most challenging role, of my artistic life.

Acting has always come naturally for me.  It was always easy to be, someone, other than me.  Who is the character I am going to portray?  Let me just put on one of many masks, depending on the situation, depending on the environment.  Who do you want me to be, today?

Let me take this alphabet, let me abuse A through Z, as only I can, I am, Mike D.

Hell, I was taught by some of the best professors in the United States, some of the best authors, story tellers, some of the most genius minds.  I did not need to go to school to create the stories but what was naturally there, needed to be downloaded from my brain and uploaded to my pen.

It’s truly empowering, to enter different worlds, through the literature that is read.  I envied and worshiped the story tellers.  I obsessed over their words, I yearned to live some of their tortured lives.  In fact, I needed to see for myself, just how art imitates life or life imitates art.  Just as the actor needs to methodically act out his or her character, as a writer, I needed to do the same.

Emotional sobriety.  At any given moment, I can be flooded with thoughts, coming from all directions and coming from all points of time.  I am getting thoughts from North, East, South, West and I will go back to the past and forward to the future.  I will be listening to you but I won’t be with you.  I will hear you but I won’t comprehend you.

What can an artist do to focus in, how can an artist live in that moment? How can a writer, actor, rocker, hip hopper, do what they do, without driving themselves mad, in the process.

How do I not admit myself into a hospital, again, how do I not Kanye West myself?  I identify with Kanye, after all, I identify with people that struggle with emotional sobriety.

Where’s this going, you may be wondering?

I wish I knew.  When I blog, I usually have a concise format of how I would like to proceed.  This time, I only went in, thinking that I want to play off the last time; I talked about going back to a place that almost took my life from me.  In that blog, I shared some music that helped put me in a state of mind to get back into character.

Oh yea, now I remember, I have to go back a little.

I expressed how natural it was for me to play characters.  After all, I am recovering from the horrible affects of addiction, where I would routinely be a different person each day.  It was much easier to be anyone, other than me.

Going back to that place, to play me, in the ladder stage of my addiction, has been truly challenging.  I have walked the ledge of emotional sobriety.  I have allowed the bi-polar tendencies, seasonal depression, and some defects of character back into play.  The holidays did not help because of the fact that I have a very difficult time getting through the holidays.

Is it safe to be playing the old me, in the film, about my book?  It’s safe, in that, I do not want to pick up another drug today.  I almost gave away a mere existence that resembled no such thing, as life.  I know that if I can finish filming the last portion of these sequences, I will be able to be rewarded in wrapping production.

This is not about me.  This is about everyone that is still using, in their addiction.  This is for the people that are still allowing their demons off their chain.  Many people are suffering and many will lose themselves in this rabbit hole, this epidemic, that is the disease of addiction.

I can keep my monster locked down.  I have it on its leash and when I have to put it down, it goes down.

If I can help one person, if I can spark one mind, it will all be worth it.  I keep very close to my support group, sober coach and family.  Also, my film family have made the production process, positive and inspiring.  I am never to far into character, that I lose myself, entirely.

This time around, I wanted to remix this published blog post with additional music from my filming playlist.  This playlist has brought out some desired emotion that have been necessary to deliver a very real performance.  Going back to that place had me include different artists but this time I wanted to highlight Jay Ohso, from Detroit, who also happens to be a big part of the Intimate Recovery film!

Here is just some of Jay Ohso’s videos, straight from my filming playlist; for more videos, please visit Jay’s YouTube page!

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