Last night, loneliness came over me. It was one of those rare moments in my recovery, that I felt lonely. Not lonely from my support group and family. I felt a loneliness, that I had not felt in a very long time.
I missed. I missed the touch, of another person. I missed the way she looked at me. I missed the smile, she used to inspire. I missed her long embrace, through the cold Winter nights. I missed her soft lips, dancing rhythmically, across mine. I missed, her. Who’s her?
She is a dream, she is a thought, an ideal. She’s exists only in my mind, until she is reintroduces herself to my reality.
Back to last night, I was lonely. It was not because the next day (today) was Hallmark’s Valentine’s Day. Truth be told, when you’ve been single as long as I have, you may forget that this day is what it is, until you go through your day and are reminded of it.
I was lonely because in sobriety I have been taking care of myself and 2 and a half years into my recovery, of not being intimate with anyone, I decided to try to date. Perhaps I was not ready at that time. For whatever reason, dating has been sporadic and not a concern.
It’s maybe not a concern because of my views on sex, while I am in recovery. After all, I did write an entire chapter regarding sex, in my book. I am cautious about it and that’s why I did not rush back into having it, once I got sober.
Having mentioned that, I do miss things. I miss that look, that embrace, that kiss… oh yea, I mentioned this already. Well, I miss the little things. I miss what is too often trivialized and not cherished, enough.
What am I waiting for?
Besides continued, long-term sobriety, I am waiting for my 24/7 Valentine, like my Valentine, today.
I woke up this morning and was still lonely. I gathered myself, put my clothes on and ate breakfast. I then made it to the bank. All the while, mind you, I did not remember it was Valentine’s Day. It was still too early in my day, where I was not going to be reminded of it via advertising, people, etc.
I walked into the bank and was immediately called over by one of the bank tellers. Not thinking much of the transaction that I had to make, she looked at me, smiled and handed me a rose, “Happy Valentine’s Day,” she added. She could have given that rose to 100 other people and it would not have mattered to me, at that moment. At that moment, she captured my attention. My mind may have been on 100 different things and she pulled me in, she found my eyes.
I locked onto her eyes, I could not help be inspired by her smile; I smiled back. She had me, I was hers, at that very moment. She gave me that rose and it was the sweetest, realest thing I had felt, in a long time. Her presence, she radiated positive, heart-felt energy. That rose, felt like a hug, that rose combined with that smile, felt like the best embrace.
Any wall, that I had built, came down. Every defensive mechanism, dropped. I walked out of the bank, with a smile on my face. How beautiful was she?
Her beauty, physically, became apparent with her realness. At that moment, I could have stopped, turned back around and thanked her for being my Valentine.
Maybe I will see her again. Maybe I won’t. Maybe she is 1 out of 7 billion+ people on Earth that was supposed to intersect my path this morning. I will never forget what she gave to me, today. She gave me the feeling, I am saving myself for. When I am ready, that’s the feeling, I am looking for. The feeling of someone connecting with me, using only 3 words and a rose.
Happy Valentines Day, to you too, young lady.