My mind is slowly improving after years of heavy substance abuse. I have been told it could take 5 years for my mind to fully heal. I have jokingly heard from some, that it will take another 5 years to figure out how to use it. Well, I’m not big into numbers and statistics, etc. I do know that certain things that used to come so easily for me, are much more difficult then I ever remember them to be. I believe the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with was the hospital stay that I almost did not make it out of… the hallucinations, the delusions, the subconscious that tried to end the pain without my consent.
I made it out of that hospital in February of 2013. It was the last time I ever picked up a poison of any kind. The problem is, someone needs to be blamed for my monstrous ways. All the resentment, anger and fear, someone has to be responsible for that. Who do I start with? Who deserves my wrath for not understanding the mental illness that is addiction? Who was so ignorant, to not be able to compute that I was developing a serious problem. Who could not see the progression? Who would not care enough to pick up a phone and ask how I was doing during my downward spiral. Which friends, which family members get it?
You see, it is easy to point the finger away from myself. If only you would have done this, I would not have done that. If you would have just called me once in awhile considering we are “family.” If you were not so fucking ignorant I would not have to continue down this same path. Why don’t you understand me? Does anyone fucking care? Is anyone out there?
It is very easy to blame any person, place or thing for me. The problem is, that is how I have been programmed for years. Years of programming has taken careful practice the last two years so that I may change. Despite what people think, I believe people do change. Look at the world, it has changed. People change and it is either for the better or worse. A person has to be willing to change for the good.
I am not responsible for my disease, mental illness in the form of addiction is alive and well in my frontal lobe. I am however responsible for my recovery and have been taking it moment to moment, day by day since February of 2013.
I look in the mirror today and I no longer hate the person reflecting back at me. I am gradually dropping the heavy burdens that once consumed me. I have already dropped the huge rock that is anger and resentment. I am slowly coming around to forgiving myself, which has been the most difficult to do.
My mirror image is someone that is now awake for the first time. My mirrors image is learning to do things for the very first time again. Whatever I did in the day, I have to be able to, today, to look myself in the mirror at night and go to sleep knowing I was a good person that day.
Circles of Blame
Nobody can blame the next person if the circle ends with me. There does not have to be circles of blame, pointing fingers at the next person. I take my 50% of any failed relationship and own up to it.
People can confuse this with me wanting to re-establish relationships. It is my firm belief that boundaries are still healthy to have when it comes to certain people in life. In the present landscape of my life, I do not see certain people being a benefit to my recovery and so they will remain written out of the story line, indefinitely.
I will end this blog entry with what has been my biggest change so far in sobriety and that is my emotional sobriety. Take away the drugs (includes alcohol) and what does someone that is afflicted with addiction have left… if you guessed their “mind,” you’re right! Alcohol and prescription drugs were just a symptom of a much larger problem for me. My mind is what does not work right and so the first 12 months of sobriety really sucked. I drank and popped pills to not feel anything and when I stopped, my body almost did not make it through the detox process.
The biggest change since, has been my emotional sobriety, my ability to not react emotionally to people, places and things; instead I process my thoughts logically. I’m not going to express that it has been easy the entire time, I may have bit my lip a few times.
I am proud though, in my recovery I have not said anything in which would cause me to back track and apologize. In sobriety I think before I react and I let all things pass instead of letting the negative resonate and manifest into anger or worse, hatred.
My brain is constantly on auto-correct so that I do not offend anyone with my mouth, which prior to sobriety could be described as flagrant, if not appear monstrous.
Well, the monster is sleeping now and I am enjoying living my life, one-day-at-a-time. There will not be any pointing the finger at anyone today.