Have you ever taken a shower and felt the water did nothing more than soak in the dirt? I have done everything, from staying in longer, to taking showers on the repeat. I can barely hold my head up, to this depression, I concede. May the water melt me down, let that drain, take me away.
No. Turn off the hot water, wake me up, cold water, do your job. After a few minutes, I’m alert. I feel the water like a 1000 needles, puncturing my entire body.
It’s easy to get lost in my depression, especially at this time of year. I must remember how many people are hurting. So many suicides, this time of year. From the gun shot, to the rope, & the subconscious overdose. I have been there, I have been there. Nearly 4 years ago, I almost did not make it out of the darkness. That darkness almost took me away from those few people, that still loved me.
For years, I had severe seasonal depression. See, I am dual-diagnosed. I deal not only with past substance abuse issues but also depression and bi-polar tendencies. That’s my three headed monster!
Growing up in Michigan was not easy. For 3 to 6 months, the Fall and Winter Season comes and with it, enters the gloom. Cloud covered, overcast skies, hide the sun and don’t let it out for days at a time. Sometimes those days turn into weeks. That lack of sunshine does a real number on me, it puts me in a negative mood at moments, in time.
I still deal with seasonal depression and I still deal with other personal factors that effect me at this time of year. December and January are extremely difficult months for me. They are the most challenging months of my recovery from substance abuse. I am not afraid I will go back to the bottles. For me, today, that’s not an option.
I don’t look at alcoholic and pharmaceutical bottles the same way, anymore. I don’t romanticize the drink, I don’t see the pill as a cure. I see them both as a mask, that hides the real pain. Instead I see those bottles for what they really are; I see a gun, a knife, a rope, I see a skull & cross bones. I see self-destruction.
The cold water, wakes me up. I will live one moment at a time. I will stay accountable to myself, I will continue my Intimate Recovery.